The first read through gave us a vivid picture of all three places. You gave many examples that said a lot more than just the words you wrote. I (Lynda ) found I had to go back and reread the first paragraph. On the second reading it flowed, but would suggest asking for other opinions on that. I (Cara) had similar issues with the first paragraph. One suggestion might be to take out the first "Here" in the first quote. While, I agree that this might be how people respond, it throws off the meaning initially. Another suggestion from me (Lynda) is to consider including regional phrases when describing the second two places. You do this nicely with the first place you lived. From Lynda: You mention Meridan, without including world famous "Ted's steamed cheeseburgers??!!!" : ) Also, some proof reading for mechanics. Overall, we think this is a lovely piece.
Jess, I think this piece is great. You describe the towns with lots of detail. I could picture the places in my mind. Something I would add is, you mention a personal touch about finding acceptance and adulthood. Can you describe it more? Show more of your feelings in the writing. How did you find acceptance? How did you become an adult? Otherwise, I think it's a really good piece.
Thanks for all of the thoughts!!! -Jess
Good word choices Jess - the description of each place is done well. - I like the intro and I really like the last line of the first paragraph and the first line of the second paragraph. :) Megan
Thanks Megan, I had a great time writing it! -Jess
Here is my Published version of the creative writing piece:
Creative Writing Paper: Please Address
Jess,
The first read through gave us a vivid picture of all three places. You gave many examples that said a lot more than just the words you wrote. I (Lynda ) found I had to go back and reread the first paragraph. On the second reading it flowed, but would suggest asking for other opinions on that. I (Cara) had similar issues with the first paragraph. One suggestion might be to take out the first "Here" in the first quote. While, I agree that this might be how people respond, it throws off the meaning initially. Another suggestion from me (Lynda) is to consider including regional phrases when describing the second two places. You do this nicely with the first place you lived. From Lynda: You mention Meridan, without including world famous "Ted's steamed cheeseburgers??!!!" : ) Also, some proof reading for mechanics. Overall, we think this is a lovely piece.
Jess, I think this piece is great. You describe the towns with lots of detail. I could picture the places in my mind. Something I would add is, you mention a personal touch about finding acceptance and adulthood. Can you describe it more? Show more of your feelings in the writing. How did you find acceptance? How did you become an adult? Otherwise, I think it's a really good piece.
Thanks for all of the thoughts!!! -Jess
Good word choices Jess - the description of each place is done well. - I like the intro and I really like the last line of the first paragraph and the first line of the second paragraph. :) Megan
Thanks Megan, I had a great time writing it! -Jess
Here is my Published version of the creative writing piece:
Jess, the Meriden part really hit home for me. Great job!! ~Jess L.